“Captain.”
The mere word implies power, authority
and grandeur. A fair share of our childhood heroes bore that prefixed
moniker, telling us that this man (occasionally woman) was not only
usually the leader, but the hero. The person we're supposed to root
for... Unless the story happens to be one of those deconstructionist
stories, where the creator feels that they're making some cliched
point about being drunk, violent and nihilistic in the name of
patriotism or tradition. But ignoring those attempts at 'edgy'
storytelling, there's something that commands respect about the
title. So let's go through our list: The Definitive Top Ten Captains
List!
10. Captain Morgan: Back in the day
when I was drawing the comic regularly, I would wake up, draw pages and
sleep. Repeat the next day. My life wasn't the most fun. Captain
Morgan helped me on more than a few occasions, getting through those
long nights, when everyone else was out having fun but I was stuck at
home with no life. It almost takes you back to the days of old, with the old school comic book artists, like the late great Jack Kirby, John Romita Sr. and the recently passed Joe Kubert (rest in peace, man) who would sit down with a cigar in one hand and a rum n' coke in the other, and crank out pages of Spider-Man. Hmm... I still got the rum. Perhaps I need the cigars... *ponders*
9. Captain Hook: Here's the thing
about Hook. We're told he's the bad guy, and were supposed to boo him
because he's trying to kill Peter Pan. But seriously... Dude's just
sitting there on the Jolly Roger and, and Peter chops off Hook's
hand, FEED it to a crocodile, and then continuously taunts and
provokes Hook. And Peter has a history of some nasty brutal things
too. (Especially if you read the books.) Hell, if some little
delinquent, shows up and chops your hand off, and keeps coming back
around and tormenting you... You'd want to kill his punk ass too!
8. Captain Britain: I'm an American and proud of my country and that's pretty well known. But it
doesn't mean I do not have respect for other countries. I hold
Captain Britain here in pretty high regards. I always thought he had
one of the coolest costumes of all time, and a lot of his earlier
adventures, especially the early Alan Davis stuff was just levels
upon levels of trippy awesomeness. Especially the later series of
Captain Britain and MI-13... That was an awesome comic, even if it
did have Pete Wisdom in it. But any comic that starts with your hero
PUNCHING THE HEAD OFF A DUDE... Well, let's just say I tend to give it
a lot of leeway. And speaking of a lot of leeway...
7. Captain Marvel (Billy Batson): I won't discuss the controversy over the
names here. So I just wanna talk about the characters themselves.
Billy Batson is honestly one of DC's greatest characters. If DC could
ever... EVER... Get their grimdark heads out of their grimdark asses
and realize the sheer goldmine they have with a character like him,
they could make a freakin' mint. We have one of the most upbeat and
optimistic characters ever. He's essentially Superman, with the
childhood innocence... And that's because he's a child. He's a
literal 8-10 year old boy. He's awesome. He's charming. He's
adorkable. He's the big red cheese. For all the efforts that DC has
been having with bringing in a newer younger audience... Shazam is
not only perfect for that task, he's practically made for it. They
don't need to make his comics all dark and brooding... Just make him
fun. When Shazam is written like that, it's almost always one of the
greatest stories you can read. When he's written badly... It's
forgettable.
6. Captain Marvel (Carol Danvers): And as for the other Captain Marvel.
Well, part of me wanted to eschew her from this list, because at this
current time, she's not been Captain Marvel for too long. But I'm
gonna allow it, because she's a pretty decent character and it brings
up an interesting point. Poor Carol has been... Well... Handled
awfully. I've stated before that I believe no one goes out of their
way to write a bad story. When you have a character that's not
popular (sales-wise), they're the first victims of 'cutting edge' and
'daring' story telling. (Which sadly with women usually results with
some form of rape.) Everyone probably knows of the infamous 'Immortus
storyline', which was actually the beginning of the movement to treat
female characters better. And while that story was essentially
awful... SOMEBODY thought they were writing a good story. The years
haven't been good to Carol. She wasn't all that interesting as
Binary, and her stint as Warbird was not really all that inspired. It
wasn't until roughly the post 'House of M' era that she actually got
treated seriously. Which brings the infamous question: Bad character
or bad writing? As we've seen with some of the stories by Brian Reed,
where we see her past, showing what a serious badass she is. (And the
current series by Kelly Sue DeConnick is pretty nifty too, though I
still can't say I'm a big fan of the new costume.) But it also begs the
question: What other “bad characters” are out there that's just
waiting for a good writer with a good vision?
5. Captain Sensible: I say captain,
you say 'wot!'
4. Captain Kirk: Man, Kirk has banged
just a member of just about every single species of female in the
Alpha Quadrant. I'd make a joke about extra-terrestrial STDs, but I'm
pretty sure by the 23rd century, precautions in safe sex
has been advanced enough to eliminate that concern. Hell, having sex
with a Klingon woman is brutal enough with the bloodletting,
painsticks, bat'leth shaped strap-ons without having to worry about
dangers on a microscopic viral level. (And for the record, it's gotta be the Shat. Not Chris Pine. It needs to be the guy that tore his shirt all the time, made hairpieces stylish and drove George Takei nuts.)
3. Cap'n Horatio Magellan Crunch: Cap'n
Crunch is one of the greatest fictional captains ever. The guy was
created by Jay Ward, the creator of Rocky and Bullwinkle, as well as
bunch of other awesome cartoons. He's been around the world, from
London, to the outer reaches of the Milky Way fighting Soggies, the
evil Jean Lafoote, and even brain eating zombies... Who's horrendous
appetite can be satiated with Peanut Butter Crunch. And to top it all
off... He tamed the Crunch Berry Beast and gave us Crunch Berries.
All in all, a small price to pay, for “crunch mouth”.
2. Captain Lou Albano: I'm not really
all too sure what the hell Captain Lou Albano was a Captain of. But
you know what? He did a lot of good for multiple sclerosis, Cyndi
Lauper liked him, he came up with interesting uses for rubber
bands... And he was Mario. Hell, the only reason he's not #1 on this
list is because that belongs to...
1. Captain America: I'm sure none of
you are really shocked. Let's face it, Steve Rogers is awesome. It
goes without saying.
1 comment:
O Captain, my Captain
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